• Beyond the Template: An IELTS Writing Workshop Blog

✨ Corrected & Improved Version
🎯 INTRODUCTION
📌 Paraphrase of the Question:
A rising number of athletes are using illegal and performance-enhancing substances in numerous professional sports.
💡 Thesis Statement (Two Main Ideas - Causes & Solutions):
The main causes of this phenomenon are the lack of discipline among athletes and the easy access to illegal supplements. The most viable solutions to this issue are educating athletes about the severe side effects of such substances and implementing random drug testing.
❌ Corrections Explained:

• "easy accessibility access to" → "easy access to": "Accessibility" and "access" are redundant. "Easy access" is the correct collocation.
• "implying" → "implementing": "Imply" means to suggest indirectly. The correct word for putting a plan into action is "implement."

📖 BODY PARAGRAPH 1 - First Cause
🔷 Topic Sentence:
Many athletes do not like to work hard and find using drugs a shortcut to enhance their performance.
➡ Explanation:
That is to say that some athletes do not like to go through intensive workouts daily or maintain strict diets; instead, they decide to use illegal drugs to quickly see positive results.
❌ Corrections Explained:

• "don't" → "do not": Avoid contractions in academic writing.
• "a way out to" → "a shortcut to": "A way out" implies escaping a problem, while "a shortcut" better describes seeking an easier path to a goal.

📖 BODY PARAGRAPH 2 - Second Cause
🔷 Topic Sentence:
In addition, some athletes can easily access performance-enhancing supplements.
➡ Explanation:
Athletes can now order drugs online or purchase them directly from pharmacies.
✏️ Example:
For instance, NBA players openly admit that it is easy for them to buy testosterone shots without prescriptions.
📖 BODY PARAGRAPH 3 - First Solution
🔷 Topic Sentence:
Athletes should be educated about the extreme side effects of using drugs to enhance their performance.
➡ Explanation:
Sports organizations should explain that these supplements increase the risk of heart disease and accelerate muscle breakdown, which can lead to chronic illness and an inability to compete.
📖 BODY PARAGRAPH 4 - Second Solution
🔷 Topic Sentence:
Another solution is for sports organizations to conduct random drug testing.
➡ Explanation:
This unpredictability means athletes do not know when they will be tested and may therefore stop using illegal supplements permanently due to fear of being caught.
✏️ Example:
For example, the NFL has the lowest number of athletes actively using drugs compared to other major leagues, largely due to its random testing policy.
❌ Corrections Explained:

• "don't" → "do not": Avoid contractions.
• "once and for all" → "permanently": "Once and for all" is informal; "permanently" is more academic.
• "least" → "lowest": "Least" is used for uncountable concepts (least amount of time). "Lowest" is correct for countable nouns (lowest number).

✅ CONCLUSION
📝 Restates Main Causes & Solutions:
In conclusion, there has been a rise in athletes using illegal drugs to enhance performance due to a desire to avoid hard work and the easy availability of these substances. The most viable solutions are to educate athletes about the damaging side effects of supplements and to conduct random drug testing.
❌ Corrections Explained:

• "there's" → "there has been": Avoid contractions.
• "dreadful" → "damaging": "Dreadful" is emotive and informal. "Damaging" is a more precise, academic adjective.
• "conducting" → "to conduct": For parallel structure in the list of solutions, use the infinitive ("to educate... and to conduct").

📊 Band Score Analysis

🏆 Overall Band Score: 7.0
💡 Final Verdict: This is a strong essay with excellent ideas and structure. The student lost points primarily due to informal language (contractions, casual phrases) and a few key word errors. Proofreading and using more formal vocabulary would easily elevate this to a Band 8 essay.
🚀 Pro Tip: Always write your IELTS essay as if you are writing a university report—avoid all contractions and casual expressions!

My Band 9 Sample Answer

More professional sports players are now using prohibited performance-enhancing drugs. This essay will explain that this is mostly due to athletes wanting the large amounts of money and widespread recognition that come from outperforming their competitors, and the most suitable solutions are to develop more cost-effective testing and to ban offenders.

One reason banned drugs are so prevalent is the financial reward athletes gain if their drug use is undetected. In other words, the increased ability that comes with using these substances offers a large advantage over others who follow the rules, resulting in them becoming rich by playing in and winning prestigious competitions. Another cause is that being successful brings fame. By cheating through drug use to win, these athletes become heroes to many people who admire their success. For example, Lance Armstrong was admired around the world for winning cycling races due to the competitive edge steroids gave him.

One viable solution is for sporting associations to fund the development of inexpensive detection for illegal substances. At the moment, these tests are too expensive for everyone to be checked; however, with an inexpensive testing method, all athletes could be checked, and more drug-takers could be caught. Another solution is to prohibit those who are caught cheating in this way from competing. By banning these offenders, it would act as a warning to other athletes and discourage them from also consuming these substances. For instance, several Russian athletes have been banned from the next Olympic games for doping, leading to a drop in the number of other offenders.

In conclusion, the main causes of professional sportspeople using banned substances are the large sums of money and fame gained because of their improved performance, and to resolve this issue, cheaper testing should be developed and those found guilty should face bans.

🏆 Professional Band 9 Sample Answer - Annotated Breakdown
Now, let’s analyze my high-band sample answer. Notice the clearer structure and more formal language.
🎯 INTRODUCTION
📌 Paraphrase of the Question:
More professional sports players are now using prohibited performance-enhancing drugs.
💡 Thesis Statement (States the two main ideas - Causes & Solutions):
This essay will explain that this is mostly due to athletes wanting the large amounts of money and widespread recognition that come from outperforming their competitors, and the most suitable solutions are to develop more cost-effective testing and to ban offenders.
📖 BODY PARAGRAPH 1 - First Cause
🔷 Topic Sentence:
One reason banned drugs are so prevalent is the financial reward athletes gain if their drug use is undetected.
➡ Explanation:
In other words, the increased ability that comes with using these substances offers a large advantage over others who follow the rules, resulting in them becoming rich by playing in and winning prestigious competitions.
📖 BODY PARAGRAPH 2 - Second Cause
🔷 Topic Sentence:
Another cause is that being successful brings fame.
➡ Explanation:
By cheating through drug use to win, these athletes become heroes to many people who admire their success.
✏️ Example:
For example, Lance Armstrong was admired around the world for winning cycling races due to the competitive edge steroids gave him.
📖 BODY PARAGRAPH 3 - First Solution
🔷 Topic Sentence:
One viable solution is for sporting associations to fund the development of inexpensive detection for illegal substances.
➡ Explanation:
At the moment, these tests are too expensive for everyone to be checked; however, with an inexpensive testing method, all athletes could be checked, and more drug-takers could be caught.
📖 BODY PARAGRAPH 4 - Second Solution
🔷 Topic Sentence:
Another solution is to prohibit those who are caught cheating in this way from competing.
➡ Explanation:
By banning these offenders, it would act as a warning to other athletes and discourage them from also consuming these substances.
✏️ Example:
For instance, several Russian athletes have been banned from the next Olympic games for doping, leading to a drop in the number of other offenders.
✅ CONCLUSION
📝 Restates Main Causes & Solutions:
In conclusion, the main causes of professional sportspeople using banned substances are the large sums of money and fame gained because of their improved performance, and to resolve this issue, cheaper testing should be developed and those found guilty should face bans.
✨ Key Comparison & Takeaways
By comparing the two essays side-by-side, you can see the clear structural blueprint for a Problem/Solution essay:

1. Introduction: Paraphrase + Clear Thesis Statement.
2. Body Paragraphs: Each starts with a Topic Sentence, followed by Explanation, and sometimes an Example.
3. Conclusion: Briefly restates the main causes and solutions.

The student’s answer has the right structure but contains grammatical errors. The sample answer follows the same structure but uses more precise vocabulary and develops ideas more deeply.